How marriage transformed me and my world of insights — Fortune Mistress
There are few rules of marriage that need serious revisions. This is the story of every girl who has been married for not more than 2 years and is still contemplating “what’s this really?”
I know this because this at some point of time this, I was contemplating this too!
It happens at almost every Indian household. The first two years of marriage are a kind of probation period where we as women, learn few very important things in life:
- You are not the master of your own time anymore.
- Now you are responsible for looking after the whole new family
- Kitchen is your zone, at least that is the primary expectation.
- Random meets, late night parties with friends become history etc .
In short, life takes a whole new course. But it would be wrong to say that every part of it is bad. From a feminist’s point of view, few things need serious control while others are just a little discomfort that comes with change in our “comfort zone”. And sometimes it is for good.
I will not shy away from mentioning that before my marriage I didn’t have an iota of knowledge about how to do some basic home chores like doing laundry or cooking meals. Unlike the olden times, we had domestic help, so, I never had to think about doing many tasks at home. However, I wasn’t a brat too. I used to make my own bed, clean my room, do grocery buying with mother etc.
But after I got married, things changed drastically. For Indian women ,marriage is not just a change in our addresses but also our complete lifestyle. It’s like my life was not just mine anymore.
And I was never ready for that. Nobody is!
Women of today
Times have changed and the millenial girls are not as inclined towards finding a perfect marriage as much as they care about building their careers. At least that is what this survey says and what I have seen about the women near my age too.
This survey conducted by Sheroes found out that women between the age group of 20–35, are mostly concerned about their careers over anything else. It also gave insight on the worst part of being a woman according to these women was the lack of freedom as enjoyed by their male counterparts.
Well, at some point of life, even I have had felt that being a man was much easier because it gave them immense freedom to take all sorts of risks, do whatever they want and whenever they want.
But I didn’t want to be a man. I wanted to have the freedom a man had by being just me. All I wanted, and those women in the above survey wanted was the liberty to live a life of their own choices.
Coming back to marriages, I remember that it was not an easy digestion! Settling into a new routine, everyday had something of a “first-timer”. But with time and lots of understandings and misunderstandings, we finally achieved reconciliation.
I can say that I am a better person now. I am more disciplined, have better habits and healthier insights into various pursuits of life. With that, I have learnt to manage and mind myself . I am a new leaf on the same plant, new cloud on the same sky, new app on the same phone!!!
But it happens with everyone. We all evolve. We all learn. For me, it came with marriage. For others it may have come with moving into a new city/country, a new college/university etc, a new job etc.
Marriage rules that need revision
I also learnt that there few things in our natural Indian homes which need recognition, cognizance and definite improvements. These things give fodder to patriarchy, inequity and misogyny.
2. Women don’t drink: So there is a party at home and all male members are enjoying drinks while women of the house are busy in kitchen or serving them with snacks and ice. We all see the discrimination here.
Also, I don’t think there should be a problem if women who would like to, may also openly drink in that party. If she wants to, she should be able to. There must not be a taboo about this anymore.
3. Balancing both home and work perfectly: For a working lady, this expectation to balance profession and personal life always gets heavy on her. Nobody expects this from a man. A woman would never feel guilty of being ambitious or imperfect if the responsibility of home is shared by her spouse as well.
4. No sundays for her: When the whole office lot is sleeping on a sunday, she is still waking up early, still cooking for everyone, still doing everything else that she does on any other days also! Give her a break ! She deserves a sunday too.
5. The ideal one: Is she taking care of your home nicely? Is she cooking well? Is she too talkative, she must be a snob! For being an ideal daughter-in law, women are expected to pass such tests.
I had hardly realised these things until I myself got married and saw few others experiencing these. I am guilty of not seeing this before. This is a lesson for all of us. We must start by taking care of the needs of our mothers at home. We must help her out.
Patriarchy is ingrained in our society and we have to start from our homes. Little things can make a big impact. It is because of these things that most women run away from the concept of getting married because it challenges their freedom in some way. Let it not happen. Marriage is beautiful and let’s keep it that way.
Originally published at https://fortunemistress.com on November 7, 2020.